It has occurred to me over time that very often the person in a given emotional system or community or organization with the most power is frequently and probably even consistently
THE LAST TO KNOW.
By “last to know” I mean they are frequently the last to know just how bad things are…how difficult the experience for the average joe is in that context or system. And while this train of thought applies to leaders in different contexts, it applies to all of life really – husbands, fathers, coaches and anyone else who has some measure of power or authority.
How many times have wives left their husbands and the husbands had no idea what was coming? How many kids are acting out in pain and angst while their dad’s have no idea or don’t seem to grasp the significance of it? How many bosses have employees quit because the environment has much to be desired, yet the boss never saw it coming? I think there’s a pattern – often people with the most power are the last to know about what it’s really like to live in that environment.
And you know what – being “the last to know” is totally something within our control to fix. To quote the x-files –> “The Truth is Out There” so why do so many find themselves blindsided by it when it finally breaks through? Maybe part of it is that they don’t recognize the ways that truth and reality can elude people in power.
Here’s some observations of why this is the case. Some of these reasons can function in isolation as the source of someone’s ignorance related to what’s happening under their watch, yet often there are more than one reason that is at work to affect someone’s perspective. I’ve recognized these in my own leadership at times too – so I share them out of self-reflection as well as general observation of others.
- Distance & Disconnects: People with the most power are often physically or emotionally removed from the realities in which their power and authority shapes and influences. Fathers and husbands are physically absent through work and long hours and the hours they are around they frequently don’t want to attend to the emotional climate. Leaders are often not around – whether they are leading from a distance geographically or leading from an office somewhere which can be equally isolating. So leaders can find that their power and authority still impact environments even when the reality of life in those environments isn’t anywhere on their minds or scope of awareness. That happens because of the “out of sight, out of mind” phenomenon. Yet – just because you’re out of sight doesn’t mean that your power and authority isn’t impacting people in unfortunate ways. And it’s a bad thing when your awareness, which is increased through presence, doesn’t match the degree of power you have in a given context.
- Other People’s Fears: Another reality, equally true whether a leader is disconnected through distance or even connected and presence, is that people are afraid to speak the truth to people with power. People with put up with a lot of junk and tolerate a lot before they start initiating hard and honest conversations with the person who may have some measure of power over them. People often withhold their reality from their bosses because they don’t want to bite the hands that feed them. They don’t want to put their employment at risk. Maybe more obviously – they don’t want to make life harder on themselves by getting on a leader’s bad side. Sometimes it’s a worse alternative to stay in one’s role with a boss that resents or punishes you for speaking your mind than it would be to leave your job. Similarly, many wives don’t speak up to their husbands out of a variety of fears and anxieties related to power and fear. Kids often speak up inappropriately, but they often don’t speak up really honestly because of a fear of getting punished as well.Leaders don’t often hear the truth because most people are afraid to communicate hard truths to power because there are no shortage of possibilities of what could happen if that person doesn’t take it well. So that leaves leaders in the dark unless they have mastered being able to foster trusting relationships with their teams or families if that be the situation. But make no mistake – people fear power and as a result, the person with the most power may be “the last to know.”
- The Fear of the Powerful: The last main factor in why powerful people are often the last to know is their own character and courage. Sometimes people with power don’t WANT to know because of anxiety and insecurity about what it means for them as a leader to have to lead or face challenges. So denial and selective listening insure that they are the last to really know what the reality and ethos of the environment under them is. They are the last to know because they don’t want to know because of leadership insecurity. Sometimes leaders don’t know because they refuse to be wrong – they choose pride and stubbornness over the humility of facing reality. They fear failure, they fear correction so they dig their heels in to maintain their own perspective and punish the people that are providing alternative narratives of reality – especially when those narratives are true and provide feedback. Leaders who don’t want to know out of insecurity or that refuse to know out of pride end up making it very difficult for them to enter into the reality under them and thus – they remain the last to know.
And you know what – leaders in this category at certain extremes never do end up “knowing.” They blame their spouse when they’ve driven them to acts of desperation. They blame their kids for acting out the climate, pain, and issues of their own family environment. And these leaders may never take responsibility for the ways in which they have crushed other people – even unintentionally. They make themselves the victims because the pain of facing ways in which they have victimized others is too great to face. This is why leadership and power on any level requires character and courage – failure of nerve or immoral, unethical character will all insure that while great injustices or great pain may be taking place under your watch (or because of your watch), that you will be the last to know.
This is why servant leadership is not a cliche or something that can be assumed. It takes great effort, intentionality, awareness, and relational investment to lead in and through the honest realities that everyone under your influence and power experience. And it is rather easy, amazingly easy actually, to lead out of your own version of reality because 1) you’re too disconnected to know better, 2) people around you are too afraid to tell you differently, and 3) because it’s easy, because of your power, to lead in ways to protect yourself from truths that are painful, inconvenient, or threatening to you at the cost of the well-being of those under your watch.
So, if you’re the last to know – maybe it’s time to take a look at why that may be the case. And I should clarify here – leaders with power often are the FIRST to know things like statistics and easy measurables that impact funding and image. Such measurables often blind leaders to the rest of the picture and leadership equation and raise issues in the third area listed above.
And if you find yourself not really knowing what’s happening around you or under your authority – then maybe these three areas of self-reflection may point you the right direction in increasing your access to truth….which is pretty much increasing your access to reality.
And as I’ve heard from my mom all my life……
Reality
Is
Your
Friend
So let’s lead like it and steward our power with a view towards living and leading in reality. Here’s a few questions that you can ask that correspond to the above barriers to leading with a view of people’s realities:
- Am I present enough to see people’s realities and know what is going on? It doesn’t always mean physical presence, but am I relationally connected to all the key people enough to know what the environment is and where people are at?
- Am I approachable enough for people to speak truth and reality to me? Am I making it easier and leveling the playing field and minimizing power enough for people to safely show me the truth of the situation and/or community and/or my role in it?
- Am I truly open to face reality and what are the ways I protect myself from facing reality? Chances are that is being felt by people under and around you – family, marriage, or corporate contexts.
