I wanted to continue my exploration into the world of congregational systems by sharing Steinke’s description of self-differentiation. He writes,
“Self-differentiation in emotional processes refers to the amount of self available to an individual, such as an individual’s overall maturity, level of functioning, and the degree of responsibility for self. It is the capacity to choose a course of direction and to stay the course when reactive people want to reroute you. It is the ability to stay focused on your own functioning while being aware of others. Self-differentiation is the ability to stand up and be counted in matters of principle and belief and yet remain with family and community. It is the ability in anxious circumstances to regulate one’s own reactivity by thinking. Differentiation is to take a position in the midst of emotional forces and still remain in touch with others.” Healthy Congregations, pg. 103.
This is such a powerful issue for us to consider today. How often are we able to stay connected in relationship with others in the midst of tension, disagreement, or conflict without withdrawing or disconnecting from the relationship altogether?
Self-differentiation is about staying separate and staying close at the same time. I have very few examples of people that maintain the ability to differentiate amidst difficult circumstances because our culture seems to reinforce blame-shifting and a victim mentality. My mom is someone that has continued to impress me over the years for her ability to move towards people in the middle of awkwardness, tension, or conflict. One of her ministry values that I’ve heard her express over the years over and over is that staying connected as you work through things is of paramount importance to moving towards relationship healing and health. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done and I’ve seen many just eject from relationship completely as opposed to doing the hard work of staying connected in an effort to reconcile and move forward.
Self-differentiation is about exercising self-control and responsibility for what one can control and not getting lost or absorbed by other people who may be reactive. Can we maintain perspective, exercise self-control, and keep moving towards people despite their anxious reactivity?
