Needy People

It’s probably not an earth shattering thought that a newborn baby is the epitome of dependency and neediness. They pretty much need someone else to do everything for them or else they will die.

Over the past couple days I’ve had some thoughts on what it looks like to interact with “needy” people in leadership. Often people come to us, or maybe we’re “that” person”, with expectations that maybe we can help meet their needs. An example from my life right now is when Colin is crying while I’m holding him and he’s searching with his mouth for a milk-producing breast. He is looking to get his needs met and when it’s not happening there is an emotional reaction.

This happens all the time in ministry and in life. People seeking to meet their needs either get those needs met or not. If they are not met, usually people respond emotionally with anger, frustration, disappointment, withdrawal, or some other kind of emotional response.

Yet, I think what makes a leader truly transformational in these situations is how he or she handles “neediness” or expectations in situations that they cannot meet or fill. When Colin is looking to get milk from me, he’s barking up the wrong tree. I could get frustrated and ignore his need because I can’t do anything about it or I can identify the need and help him find a place where he can meet that need – mama. Even in leading Colin to the source of what will meet his needs, I can do that in a way that is patient and understanding as opposed to frustrated and irritated that he is causing “such a scene.” As I’ve quoted before from systems writers Steinke and Friedman, leadership that responds to anxiety with anxiety isn’t much leadership at all.

In leadership people project needs on you all the time. Authority does that. The fact that people will project their father or mother issues on you or other authority issues on you comes with the territory. It also comes with the territory that we can’t meet all of peoples needs because we’re not skilled to do that (that’s why the whole body exists) and even if we could it wouldn’t always be the best thing. Why? Because people have to grow up sometimes.

However, just because we can’t or shouldn’t meet someone else’s needs isn’t really the point most of the time. The real issue is whether the leader responds in a way that empowers the needy person to get their needs met and move towards maturity or wholeness.

Here are some phrases or responses I’ve observed over time that don’t empower needy people along with my interpretation of what those responses reflect of the underlying thinking of the leader:

1. “What do you expect me to do with this?” Translation: I don’t want to get my hands dirty with your problems.
2. “I think you have too high of expectations of me…” Translation: You’re on your own because I’m afraid to fail.
3. Thinking the person is too needy and writing the person off as “one of those needy people.” Translation: I don’t want to deal with possibly being overwhelmed with emotion or need.
4. Blaming the needy for their neediness. Translation: Because I’m uncomfortable with my limitations in caring for others, I’m going to blame you for your neediness and that way I don’t really have to care for you or feel feelings of inadequacy. Basically thinking and/or communicating “It’s your fault that I can’t help you.”
5. Avoidance and withdrawal. Translation: I don’t know what to do, so I’m not going to do anything.

I’ve seen these 5 responses fairly consistently over time when leaders are confronted with the neediness of their people. Again, some neediness is to be expected because of our relational makeup and others may have disproportionate need because of woundedness or pain. Leaders need to empower people to meet their needs through the appropriate sources and embrace this AS PART OF THEIR JOB. If they’re not empowering people, they’re missing the boat. And if leaders are not empowering people to meet their needs in healthy ways and places, then they are going to be perpetuating dysfunction and reinforcing people’s pain and emotional scars.

Part of empowering has to be giving “neediness” legitimacy. Even if we can’t meet it, that doesn’t mean it’s not legitimate. I’ve seen many examples of people minimizing others’ need simply because they are uncomfortable or feel inadequate in the task of meeting that need. As leaders we need to give legitimacy to people’s needs (empathy, connection, listening), but also make sure that they are in the right place to have those needs met (limits, boundaries, stewardship of one’s gifts as well as of the community).

It’s not a perfect illustration because Colin doesn’t really have the power of choice right now, but I see how much of an impact I can have on a situation and on his well being and development by not reacting out of anxiety, but by seeking to identify his need and help him meet it. Sometimes I can do it myself – and I love those moments. Other times, I just can’t or wasn’t meant to, but praise God for mama. Either way, the need was real and my leadership mattered in resolving the situation in a healthy manner.