One of the re-entry journeys that I did not expect was how difficult it was for our family to get re-acquainted with sarcasm after most of the last decade in Asia. For some in our family, it was getting acquainted with as opposed to re-acquainted because they really had never experienced it consistently because most of their lives were overseas.
So as a starting point here because some of our American friends here might be confused by this. Sarcasm really does not exist in Asia. In an honor-shame, indirect collectivist society, to consistently relate sarcastically is to to consistently find yourself on the outside looking in. Sarcasm as a form of humor (though maybe that’s not always the word!) is really a subtle form of honor competition. It’s liguistic jousting with an edge that seeks to one up someone else. Sometimes it can be in good fun and clever. Sometimes, maybe not so much. But in Asia, such interactions with the goal of making yourself look good while also in some ways making someone else look bad is on the shameful side because it can cause people to lose face. So not a lot of sarcasm from my experience in Asia. Sarcastic people did not seem to succeed very well.
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This is what made it so jarring to return to America after living and serving in that world so long. I remember our first month after covid was over and I was regularly working with people or in meetings. I found myself getting incredibly uncomfortable in meetings because of the way people were joking with each other and competing in a way that was seeking at times to “one-up” the other. I even found myself wondering to myself, “Are these people even trying?” This type of judgment and assumption is classic re-entry when you’re coming from one culture into another. But I was exhausted watching it. And the times where it was directed to me…..it stuuuung!
Neal Pirolo in The Re-entry Team, among other re-entry writers, writes about how ex-pats returning to their home nation are often super sensitive because of the insecurity and change and “foreignness” they are experiencing – the vulnerability they feel in a place that should be “home.” I think our whole family can confirm that. But sarcasm was a strong element in this, because our interpretive tools to understand what these exchanges mean had been really altered in Asia. In the Philippines especially, it’s all about SIP, “Smooth Interpersonal Relationships.” That means keep harmony at whatever cost.
My kids really found it challenging. My son had an internship this summer at the Long Beach Aquarium and one of his teammates at one point told him directly, “Dude, you need to work on figuring out sarcasm!” He just isn’t used to the different beats and notes of this style of communication. He came back and started his re-entry in middle school which meant basically his whole year he came home feeling like he had been shot with arrows all over. We have no doubt that many of those arrows were middle school meanness and immaturity. But even words said in a spirit of fun or friendly competition would have a harsh and deep impact.
Our youngest, who had spent most of her whole life in Asia had the most trouble probably discerning the meaning of such communication. There was just no grid. So she either missed it, took it literally or was really hurt by the communication in ways that were probably not intended. Though there’s no shortage of people who surely intend to say the things they say as well! An example, though not exactly sarcasm, is when our youngest asked us one day, “I don’t understand why my friends are calling each other hoes. I don’t think they are talking about the garden tool!” When you grow up somewhere else you miss out on some things (sometimes for the better!). But this illustrates the amount of communication interpretation still has to be done even though people would look at us and assume we would track with everything they are.
It really helped one day to realize that this is part of the cultural adjustment and it’s learning or re-learning communication to “fit in” or bond in this new world. Once we were able to name it, it was easier to recognize it, easier to see how it was even a form of affection for some people and in some relationships, and not to take it so personally. Now our kids at the end of school don’t feel like they have been stabbed 50 times by things others have said. Maybe now it’s just 10! It might be too much to ask for 0, but we’ll take progress in today’s world!
Here’s where I’ll state my preferences and how I’ve changed. I was never deeply sarcastic. My humor is more of a dry and dark wit. But this is something I really appreciate about Asia. I may have always found Asia incredibly difficult sometimes to get at what someone truly was thinking or wanting to say because they were choosing face over honesty. But I loved that there was not an ongoing honor competition that was biting or aggressive. I find sarcasm at times to be clever and fun. At other times I find it self-protective and diminishing of quality conversation, safe spaces, and authentic connection. I think there’s a balance to be found in the kind of directness and freedom we want to exercise at times with sensitivity and restraint.
Something to consider as well. Sarcasm is typically more of a social tool (and weapon) in white spaces. On many an occasion, a person of color or international student or visitor has been alienated by this type of social jousting and honor competition in these spaces. Cultures communicate differently, so these types of communication learnings are not just for the ex-pats and TCKs. They are for everyone in this diverse and increasingly globalized world.
Are there people around you uncomfortable with sarcasm?
When do you think it crosses the line? Are you aware or do you think they just need to “get thicker skin?”
This area is a good example of how returning ex-pats can easily be hurt by others and easily judge others for behavior that now feels very offensive. But me or my family are not going to change the communication patterns of our passport country or city!
There’s a need to identify the tensions, live out the values and preferences we have come to believe in, and be gracious and patient with these types of behavioral patterns that can have some rough edges to them at times. We need to maintain humility and patience even when we feel pain and insecurity from those rough edges and make choices accordingly. Maybe we need to move towards other people. Maybe we need to minimize some relationships. Maybe we just need to talk about it. But we definitely need to be humble learners about ourselves and our home culture, recognizing that it and us are both not the same as when we left. It’s hard to persevere and keep moving towards people that you feel stung by all the time.
So the next time you encounter friends coming home from honor-shame, indirect contexts, maybe humor and communication patterns are worth thinking about. Your instinct might be to think that you’re not having a cross-cultural encounter. But you probably are in some ways!
