When do you change the photos?
We all face this simple family decision. When do we update the family photo in the living room? When do we swap out the old family photos for this year’s photos? Sometimes we’re lazy. Sometimes it’s inconvenient. But sometimes you just don’t want to.
I think it’s often those who are grieving that don’t want to change the photos, especially after someone has passed away…a spouse, a parent, a child. Photos don’t always need to change. Some last for the long haul. But some become signs of a personal transition that has yet to reach its endpoint.
When we “returned” from overseas we had a bunch of stuff in storage that had been there for 9 years. Our family photos were a time capsule of the year before we left. We were left looking at images of ourselves from before our international life, thinking of their enthusiasm and faith, but also of their naivete and cluelessness. Yet for one full year of living in the U.S. after our return, we didn’t change the photos. Sometimes we talked about it like, “Maybe we should….”, but we never did. Here are a couple of reasons I think why that was.
- Fatigue and exhaustion. I don’t want to underestimate this point. Transitioning was exhausting and full of anxiety and fear. How do we find the energy to get photos printed? We never did.
- Grief. It’s not that we wanted the photos that were in the frames in our house all year. That wasn’t the case. But there was an emotional barrier to putting photos in the frames because it feels like a step toward permanence. Our season of returning felt premature and unwanted. There’s something about “nesting” that represents the embrace or acceptance of a new place and new path. It’s not that I wanted the old photos. I just don’t think I was ready for the new ones.
- Vulnerability. There is an aspect that isn’t as much about grief but about vulnerability in transition with an uncertain future. There was real anxiety, fear, and self-protection in “nesting” because of a single question, “For how long?” Why get comfortable when we might have the rug pulled out again? When we might have to move again very soon? Any kind of household “upgrades” kinda felt like it was just opening ourselves up for disappointment and stress for the next big move that we know is coming at some point, but not sure when and how disruptive it will be.
But now 13 months after the big decision and return, we finally changed the photos.
Some of that sadness is still there, and there definitely is the insecurity and vulnerability about how much this is “home” really. But some of that grief has found comfort. There’s still fatigue, but not quite so paralyzing. There’s still vulnerability and insecurity, but a greater readiness and ability to be present in the “now.”
Not every family or person returning from overseas life may take a full year to change photos, but there are probably different symbolic things to different people that take on a lot of significance because of feelings about the past and the future in different ways. These photos have been a visible representation that we had a different life and that we weren’t really ready to embrace a new one. When our daughter finally catalyzed the photo “project,” we found it to be a tangible symbol of the changes we’ve felt at the emotional and identity levels. It felt like it was time and it felt good. But it felt organic and we’re grateful it wasn’t forced too soon.
There are more moments of resolution to come for sure, but that was a big one. It’s a reflection that there is an acceptance at a new level that our sense of “home” has been altered permanently, but it includes where we were and where we are. Maybe most importantly though, it’s a sign that there’s hope and that there’s a future that has purpose, beauty, and meaning-even if it’s in a new place.
If you’re on the journey, it’s ok that you haven’t changed the photos…or the furniture…or the luggage…or the artwork. At some point, the right adjustments will come when there’s a readiness for them.
